I just cut my nipple shaving
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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