Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
