Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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