My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
