I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
