my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
