Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
