Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
