Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
