I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
