you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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