he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize