i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
