i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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