my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
