DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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