i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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