What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
