Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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