your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
