remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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