the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
