I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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