Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
