Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
