All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
