I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
