just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
