I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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