Its about making memories worth repressing
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
