No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
