best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
