I am puke
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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