In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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