believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
