In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
just tell him i said nine months
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
