Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
