She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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