I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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