I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Church boner. Awkwardddd
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
