I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
