god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
