Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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