Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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