Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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