before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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