seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
