she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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