Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I haven't been this sober since birth.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
