covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
