do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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